10 valuable lessons (and many more to come)

This rug swallows raisins like a hungry toddler

Our “baby” has just turned two years old. Thank you, we’re very proud of having made it this far.  Two years of nappy changes. Two years of lukewarm coffees. Two years of deliberately watching rubbish films in the evening because we know we will fall asleep halfway through anyway.


This seems to be around the time when people start asking if you’re going to have another one. The answer is …are you out of your mind? You’re asking if now, that we are finally getting 9 hour stretches of sleep we are going to start all over again with the 3am mustardy nappy changes? No! Well, maybe in a few years when this one is old enough to change nappies. And by then we will be too old, so the answer is probably still no.


However – just in case we might accidentally make a little brother or sister, you know, by accident or in a moment of madness – we have compiled a little list of some of the valuable lessons we have learned this time around.


Notes to self:

  1. Take advantage of the baby being small, non-verbal and completely immobile. They can be easily taken to restaurants, since they don’t really care where they are as long as you are there too. Once they start to walk you will find yourself attempting to restrain a kicking, screaming toddler headed for the kitchen at Ask, with a fork in her hand. And she will have eaten none of her own lunch and half of yours. Bringing a baby, peacefully breastfeeding while mummy eats her lunch with her free hand is a piece of cake. A nice piece of cake which you will have for pudding while the baby sleeps.
  2. Do not buy a nice, soft, thick and perfectly RAISIN COLOURED rug. Yes, it will be nice and soft to fall on in the couple of months when the baby is learning to sit. But after that she will be using it mainly for dropping raisins on. And those raisins will immediately disappear into the fluffy depths of the rug never to be seen again. It’s probably made up of about 30% raisin at this point.
  3. Never run out of kitchen roll.
  4. A breastfed baby does need to be burped. Don’t believe the NTC breastfeeding expert who tries to tell you that trapped wind and projectile vomiting is only for bottle feeding families. Remember the rivers of warm sick. In your hair. In your shoe. In your coffee. Burping is important.
  5. NEVER run out of kitchen roll.
  6. Don’t buy toys. The brightly coloured, noisy plastic things will simply accumulate around the house while the baby desperately tries to get to your phone, keys and remote control. And yes, the plastic pretend keys, phone and remote control will also be left untouched.
  7. Resist the temptation to encourage cute mispronounced  first words. For months you enjoyed the word “boom boom bee”. It meant bumblebee. It was so cute that you could not bring yourself to correct her when she called the ladybird a boom boom bee. And now look what you’ve done. She may have learned to say bumblebee but she will for the rest of her life be confused about the difference between ladybirds and bumblebees.
  8. Do not tell all your friends that you will do lots of baking and cooking things from scratch with your home grown vegetables. You know very well that none of that will happen.
  9. Don’t read baby books. Especially the ones that use the word “training” on every page. You are bringing up a small human, not a dog, and the small human will do none of the things the books tell you they should be doing.
  10. Before you buy your child a plastic Santa straw that says “Ho ho ho, have a very merry Christmas, and a happy New Year!” every time juice is sucked through it, consider how much you will enjoy listening to this in July, when she will still want to use it.

This list is of course a work in progress. Watch this space for important updates.


5 step guide to breastfeeding

I knew I was going to breastfeed my child, from the moment I got pregnant. Why? Mainly because I am a mammal with two fully functioning mammary glands. Yes, my body can produce all the food and fluids a baby needs for at least six months. How cool is that? There’s no need to give Nestlé any of my money.

What I didn’t know was that, despite breastfeeding having helped the human race survive for thousands of years, the skill can be extremely difficult to master. The problem, in my case, was that my nipples were the wrong shape – I know this, because it’s exactly what a nurse at the hospital told me. And, in case I didn’t believe her, she flopped out her own boob as an example of what a proper nipple should look like. Perhaps this is standard NHS practice, but it came as a surprise to me.

I am not going to dwell too much on the hellish two weeks I spent crying and swearing, strapped to a breast pump and covered in baby sick; then crying some more when the expressed milk fed to the baby came back up just minutes later. Lets just say that what I thought was going to be a beautiful and natural act of a mummy mammal feeding her baby mammal turned out to be more like a battle between a misshapen nipple, a little mouth and two little hands all struggling to get to the same place at the same time. There was blood, sweat and tears. And sick. Lots of sick. Thankfully, my daughter eventually decided that enough was enough and latched on to feed like a normal baby. Of course, that didn’t mean breastfeeding was going to be easy from then on. And 22 months on I am still encountering brand new challenges I never knew existed, such as my daughter experimenting with my nipples’ elasticity to see just how far they will stretch. (very far is the result – if they weren’t misshapen before, they certainly are now). But at least I no longer have to leave the house with sick stains on my shoulder, pretending it’s a fashionable pattern on my top.

After almost two years experience I do feel like a bit of an expert, so I have put together this 5 step guide of things that would’ve helped me on my journey:


  1. Throw the books away. The thing about books is that they weren’t written about your baby. The books tell you about a baby who feeds every 3-4 hours (15-20 minutes pr. feed) and sleeps peacefully in between and if that doesn’t happen, your boobs are wrong. Real life babies may be attached to your boob from 4pm to 11pm every evening. And that does not mean there is anything wrong with your boobs. Your baby likes them. Very, very much.
  2. Put your feet up and enjoy. For the first three months you will be spending the majority of your time sitting on the sofa lactating, so you might as well make the most of it. It’s the perfect time to catch up on important daytime reality TV, such as Millionaire Matchmaker and The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, accompanied by large amounts of tea and biscuits. It will almost make you forget about the loss of sensation in your buttocks.
  3. Take full advantage of the boob-power. Most baby sleep experts will tell you that you should NEVER feed your baby to sleep because your baby will become used to it. Baby sleep experts hate letting babies get used to anything that requires a parent to be present. I advise you to ignore them. They have books to sell, so they don’t want you to know that this is what boobs were designed to do. They can turn a screaming baby into a peacefully sleeping baby in a matter of minutes. Why on earth would you want to give that up?
  4. Do it in your sleep. This is a big one. Which of these two scenarios sounds more appealing: 1: Approximately one hour after going to bed, pick up baby and feed and rock her back to sleep. Put what you assume to be a fast asleep baby back in cot. Immediately pick up wide awake crying baby and start over. Repeat until you start hallucinating from the exhaustion. Or 2: Approximately one hour after going to bed, pick baby up. Put baby next to you in bed, offer your boob and fall back asleep. Leave boob out for baby to self-serve for the rest of the night. I personally prefer option 2 because it’s the one where everyone gets to sleep. Just make sure you do it safely.
  5. Do it in public. That is, if you like leaving the house and speaking to other adults. Despite what you might think if you have been reading the comments on any breastfeeding related Daily Mail article, most normal people really don’t mind seeing a tiny bit of a breast being used for it’s primary purpose. And if they do, it is far easier for them to turn their head 90 degrees than it is for you to convince yourself that you’ve enjoyed staying at home again watching another episode of Millionaire Matchmaker. So just get out there and get them out!

Thank you for reading the very first post on Like Mustard. We hope you enjoyed it.